DISCOVERING "YOU"
It’s absolutely normal to question your gender and sexuality. After all, identity is complex and layered, and definitely not black or white. There are a lot of shades in that rainbow. It’s also important to question things because it means you’re alive, which means you’re connected to yourself. It means your brain is big enough to break through the comfort zone and explore the other side. Congrats!
FEELINGS
It’s also normal to have a whole range of emotions during your exploration; you may feel elated, relieved, terrified, confused. Your feelings aren’t right or wrong. It’s a huge moment in your life, and it can be an overwhelming and confusing process, especially if you identify as nonbinary, in which case there’s no template for you to follow. In that case, you’re coloring way outside the lines of binary or even coloring off the page entirely. It’s normal to feel insecure and nervous, about what this means and what your feelings may entail, but discovering and being yourself can feel amazing. Just remember that figuring out your identity is a very personal process and that only you have the “magic” answers.
BEGINNING
There’s no wrong place to start at--the beginning looks different for everybody. You may have barely begun questioning your identity and you’ve arrived at a boiling point where you can no longer brush it off, or you may have been grappling with it for decades. The first step, however, is the most important, and can also be the hardest. It marks the first stage of exploration, filled with endless rabbit-hole research to only find answers that lead to more questions.
If you’re looking for somewhere to start, a small first step is learning the meaning of different words related to gender or sexuality. Once you find a word that interests you, check out that hashtag on Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, etc. If a term or concept resonates with you for whatever reason, it usually means you’re onto something. Knowing the meanings doesn’t mean they need to fit you perfectly, just that you find a term that makes you feel comfortable. You do not need to “qualify” to claim a label that resonates with your experience; your identity is yours to decide. There is no checklist of behaviors or preferences that will determine who you are. They don't need to fit you perfectly; you just need to find a term that makes you feel comfortable. You do not need to “qualify” to claim a label that resonates with your experience; your identity is yours to decide. There is no checklist of behaviors or preferences that will determine who you are.
VALIDITY
Unfortunately, many who question their identity also question whether they’re valid. Everyone has been through a period where they question whether it’s all in their heads and have tried to prove how queer they are, through words or clothing. The very fact that you are having doubts speaks volumes that there’s something going on. No matter what, it’s important to remember that you are valid. The whole point of discovery isn’t to fit others’ standards, but to make yourself more comfortable. Again, only you get to define who you are. There is no right or wrong when it comes to your identity as long as it feels right to you. You may even come to realize that your identity doesn’t align with the one you’ve been resonating with. It’s almost impossible to predict where your identity will end up throughout your journey. You should allow yourself as many pit stops as you need to get to your destination.
GENDER
If you’re questioning your gender, you could try something like wearing nail polish or a bow tie. Trying different gender expressions can make a big difference in how you feel. You could also ask your friends to refer to you with different pronouns or a different name.
SEXUALITY
If it’s your sexuality you’re questioning, here are some questions to help you come to a conclusion. Can you see yourself having a relationship with someone of the same gender? If it scares you, it might mean something. But if you shrug your shoulders, unaffected by the idea, you might not be really attracted to them. Can you see yourself having sex with someone of the same gender? It’s one thing to fantasize about kissing and being close, and it’s another to imagine full-out sex. If you are same-sex attracted, the idea shouldn’t repulse you. You might be surprised by this next question: do you want to be with the person you may have a crush on, or do you want to be them? Sometimes when one admires the same gender, it's so intense it's almost sexual. Also, remember, having a sexuality that isn't straight isn't about stereotypes. Not all lesbians have short hair and flannel, and not all gays wear makeup and like Broadway. Ask yourself if you're being influenced by outside sources, such as your parents’ opinions and people's assumptions about you. Have you been hurt by the opposite gender so much you're turning to the same? Are you attracted to the same gender but are ignoring it in fear of hatred and discrimination? You should never let fear influence your decisions. What's scarier is living a life where you're not true to yourself.
SUPPORT
Many of the LGBT community find it important to find role models-not necessarily people whose identity mirrors yours exactly, but who can inspire you to find pieces of yourself to explore and celebrate. Getting to know other LGBT people is a huge part of one's ability to recognize and accept themself. It’s also important to realize that in the end, true friends are those who will validate who you are. They will support you through both the triumphs and the struggles you experience, no matter what.
While it’s important to have support from others, the number one supporter you need to have is yourself. You need to be patient. You’re still discovering yourself-whether it’s your identity, how to express it, what consequences this may have, what options to pursue, or simply how to explain it; clothing, hair, binding, attraction, pronouns, hormones. Working through all of that takes time. It’s important to be gentle with yourself. Figure out what makes you feel strong, vibrant and alive in your identity, and nurture that.
COMING OUT
Those who hide their identities are referred to as “closeted”, and revealing one’s identity is referred to as “coming out”. As growing up, members of the LGBT community often find it difficult to accept and express their sexuality or gender. As children, they rarely receive family support, and sometimes even receive hatred from them, distinguishing them from other minority groups. Hiding one’s identity is learned in childhood and often persists into their adult lives.
DISSOCIATION
At first, many are unable to admit their identity to even themself, and those feelings are dissociated (defined as selective inattention). It makes life more manageable, like tuning out background noise, but can cause double consciousness-the sensation of having two mindsets (the identity they present to others and their self). It can be painful to keep significant aspects of the self hidden and creates difficulty in accurately understanding one’s self. It can have a terrible impact on self-esteem, making them feel transparent, invisible, and stuck behind barriers. For some, “hiding and passing as heterosexual becomes a lifelong moral hatred of the self; a maze of corruption, petty lies, and half truths that spoil social relations in family and friendship.” One result can be that the closeted person acts homophobic in an attempt to overcompensate for their own emotions. It’s an effort to maintain psychological distance from one’s own feelings and strenghten one’s dissociation.
TRUE SELF
Coming out is one of the most commonly shared experiences that defines modern LGBT identity. Years spent in the closet can make revealing one’s identity an emotionally charged experience. The process isn’t just about revealing one’s identity to others, but also to themself. Since LGBT people must decide on a daily basis whether or not to reveal themself, coming out is a process that never ends. Coming out to one’s self is an experience of inner recognition and the realization that previously unacceptable feelings are part of one’s self. Coming out to oneself is often followed by coming out to others. Fear of rejection often plays a significant role in their decision about who to tell. For those who cannot come out in their hometown, moving to another city offers the opportunity to come out among strangers. After making such a move, LGBT people may completely sever relationships with their past lives. No matter the details, every coming out situation may be associated with anxiety, relief, or both.
Another important thing to remember is to try and allow yourself to have fun exploring. You’re allowed to change as much or as little as you want day to day. Remember, the more you think about it, the clearer things will eventually become. The more information you have, the better armed you are to construct your own conclusions.
